So, I've felt it coming for a few weeks now, but in usual 'Jo-style' I have carried on with normal life and not done anything about it. Now, I have disappeared down the 'Black Hole' and can't quite see over the edge. I can see the black smoke. Looks similar to a Dementor, if that's any help? I don't know what brought it on, and the details now seem blurred and unfamiliar, but I think I had some sort of meltdown. I could hear voices shouting all sorts of questions at me, and talking really fast. I couldn't hear anything past these voices and couldn't concentrate. What's happening to me? I have a friend who suffers with depression, and she talks about a 'Black Dog'. I've heard this expression before, but never experienced it myself. All my feeling are like being down a big Black Hole and slipping slowing downwards, never being able to see over the edge. How can I feel like this after having such a great day yesterday?
Maybe it's the thought of tomorrow? My birthday, although it won't feel that way, as I will have a card from the children, and one from Nick, nothing to open apart from the earrings and bracelet I bought for myself yesterday in London, and a cake that I ordered myself. Couldn't feel more down about the day if I tried.
But then, that's the feeling I have about everything at the moment. Nothing to smile about, nothing to get excited about, nothing to look forward to, just staying in, working, school runs, homework, arguments, boring days, and boring life. It feels like I get on the rollercoaster on a Monday morning and don't get off it until Friday evening, but then there is still no relief at the weekend because there's nothing to look forward to then either.
Do I just feel sorry for myself? Maybe, but then I don't understand why we both have families out there who don't want to know. I looked at Amelia's three birthday cards and felt so sad for her. Mine tomorrow will only be two. I remember the days when there would be cards across the fireplace, shelves and windowsills between our two birthdays. But all those people, people I've know since I was small, people I've called Auntie and Uncle as we were so close, have all had poison dripped into them from my parents. As far Nick's parents. Well, what's their excuse? Isabelle has a Grandmother out there who has never even seen her, and it breaks my heart. I feel so angry about it all.
Then there's the grief. I know, for whatever reason, that I've never come to terms with losing Nan and Grandad. And yes, I know, they were elderly, and that they couldn't live forever, but maybe it's the fact that I have no other family apart from my brother and sis in law, that I have felt the effects of losing them more.
So what do I do? The Doc will just suggest Anti-Depressants, which made me violently ill last time. This time there is no Portugal holiday to take my mind off things and 'lift me'. So do I go down the counselling route? Again, something that wasn't particularly successful last time. All I know is that I don't want to be here. Here as in lots of things. Here in the house, here feeling the way I do, here in my life. But there's no 'quick fix', no 'easy solution'. But I know, for my own sanity and for the sake of my family, I have to do something.
For the moment, I'll just start with something small, and plan to take myself and my little Buddy out of the house and off somewhere tomorrow. Maybe the fresh air, and not sitting in the same four walls will give me the lift I need, and show me the best route to take. Then tomorrow is another day......
