The Black Hole......

So, I've felt it coming for a few weeks now, but in usual 'Jo-style' I have carried on with normal life and not done anything about it. Now, I have disappeared down the 'Black Hole' and can't quite see over the edge. I can see the black smoke. Looks similar to a Dementor, if that's any help? I don't know what brought it on, and the details now seem blurred and unfamiliar, but I think I had some sort of meltdown. I could hear voices shouting all sorts of questions at me, and talking really fast. I couldn't hear anything past these voices and couldn't concentrate. What's happening to me? I have a friend who suffers with depression, and she talks about a 'Black Dog'. I've heard this expression before, but never experienced it myself. All my feeling are like being down a big Black Hole and slipping slowing downwards, never being able to see over the edge. How can I feel like this after having such a great day yesterday?

 

Maybe it's the thought of tomorrow? My birthday, although it won't feel that way, as I will have a card from the children, and one from Nick, nothing to open apart from the earrings and bracelet I bought for myself yesterday in London, and a cake that I ordered myself. Couldn't feel more down about the day if I tried.

 

But then, that's the feeling I have about everything at the moment. Nothing to smile about, nothing to get excited about, nothing to look forward to, just staying in, working, school runs, homework, arguments, boring days, and boring life. It feels like I get on the rollercoaster on a Monday morning and don't get off it until Friday evening, but then there is still no relief at the weekend because there's nothing to look forward to then either.

 

Do I just feel sorry for myself? Maybe, but then I don't understand why we both have families out there who don't want to know. I looked at Amelia's three birthday cards and felt so sad for her. Mine tomorrow will only be two. I remember the days when there would be cards across the fireplace, shelves and windowsills between our two birthdays. But all those people, people I've know since I was small, people I've called Auntie and Uncle as we were so close, have all had poison dripped into them from my parents. As far Nick's parents. Well, what's their excuse? Isabelle has a Grandmother out there who has never even seen her, and it breaks my heart. I feel so angry about it all.

 

Then there's the grief. I know, for whatever reason, that I've never come to terms with losing Nan and Grandad. And yes, I know, they were elderly, and that they couldn't live forever, but maybe it's the fact that I have no other family apart from my brother and sis in law, that I have felt the effects of losing them more.

 

So what do I do? The Doc will just suggest Anti-Depressants, which made me violently ill last time. This time there is no Portugal holiday to take my mind off things and 'lift me'. So do I go down the counselling route? Again, something that wasn't particularly successful last time. All I know is that I don't want to be here. Here as in lots of things. Here in the house, here feeling the way I do, here in my life. But there's no 'quick fix', no 'easy solution'. But I know, for my own sanity and for the sake of my family, I have to do something.

 

For the moment, I'll just start with something small, and plan to take myself and my little Buddy out of the house and off somewhere tomorrow. Maybe the fresh air, and not sitting in the same four walls will give me the lift I need, and show me the best route to take. Then tomorrow is another day......

 

All the Queen's Horses

So today is Amelia's 13th Birthday and we are off to London for the day. We have tickets for the Royal Mews, which are the stables at Buckingham Palace. We saw all the Queen's carriages, including the Gold State Landau, which was truly breathtaking. Only actually saw two horses, so a little disappointing on the jolly old four legged friend side of things, but great to see behind the scenes at some of the best stables in the world. Her surprise cake for her birthday had a horse on it that looked like Sunny. She couldn't blow out the candles for crying when she saw it!

 

 

We then went to try and get into Madame Tussauds, but I think the start of the queue was just outside Plymouth! So off we went to catch another tube to go to Trafalgar Square, to West End Live.

 

West End Live is a free concert, showcasing the best of the West End shows. We queued to get in and made our way down through the crowds. Toby Anstis, the Heart fm DJ was hosting the event, so I thought I'd be cheeky, and tweet him to say it was Amelia's birthday. The next time he came on stage, he told everyone about my tweet, and got the whole of Trafalgar Square to sing Happy Birthday to her! She blushed soooo red, but it was well worth it. She'll remember this day for a very long time. Not quite sure how I'm going to top that next year though?

 

It was an amazing day, and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. It was good to spend some one to one, quality time with Amelia too. So it was two very weary travelling who got the tube back to Paddington and made their way back home to Cornwall.

 

Good Intentions

Well, I knew it would happen. Set up the Blog, then completely ignored it for a year. Well, I am really going to try now and keep it up to date. I've starting writing my journal every night and it really does helps to clear my head of all the things that don't need to be there.

So many things have happened since I was last here. We lost lovely Fabien in January, and Walter has now gone up to the Donkey Sanctuary in Sidmouth to live. Sunny is now living in Duloe and has friends of her own kind to be with. Amelia still misses her dreadfully and, like me, I don't think she will ever get over what happened.

I won't bore you with the day to day drudgery, just that we also have a new addition to the Hoskin household. a Jackadoodle pup called Buddy. He is amazing, and has fitted in so well. He comes everywhere with me, and is a total joy to be around.

 

 

The children are all doing really well at school. Can't believe Hayden goes into year 6 in September. Where did my baby go?

Contrary Mary is still going strong, and orders are coming in steadily. Even had ones for Christmas.....yes I know it's only June!

We've had some amazingly sunny weather over the past few weeks and we are all looking a lot healthier and happier. We've actually been able to get out and explore our surroundings and make the most of the beautiful place we live in. More of that this year please!

There still seems to be something missing from life though. Can't yet place what it is. So maybe I am still looking for the end of the rainbow.........?

Who Am I Again?

I'm back!
So after a long Sabbatical, I'm back with a new look Blog which I have all the best intentions of looking after and keeping updated on a regular basis.......Hmmm, we shall see. I do have fairies at the bottom of my garden you know!

Actually, at the bottom of my garden, I now have a new 'workshop'! Well, at the moment it's a bare shell, but I'm assured by my gorgeous hubby that it WILL be a new workshop.

I have to tell you that the way we achieved the new workshop is that we appeared on the Channel 4 series of Superscrimpers. They set us a challenge to do up our garden, including finishing the workshop for £150. We eventually came in at £164.59 but the structure IS actually finished, it's dry, and we just need to finish the inside and I (and all my crafty tranklements) can move in!

Anyway, it's coming up to that time of year when I forget what my name is because there is so much going on. At the moment I only have 5 Craft Fairs booked in, purposely so I don't spread myself too think like last year. I'm really enjoying crafting at the moment, and have had some lovely comments from people through my Facebook page, and also who have seen my stuff in Jelly Pebbles.

So, lots more going on, but my glass of Baileys is calling. Well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

Neglected but not forgotten............

Well, have seriously neglected my blog over the last few weeks. Lots of changes having taken place in my life, I really must try harder to keep up with everything!

I have no idea why, but all of a sudden I seem to have developed ambition and a desire to do things I've not done before. Am finding it a tad scary tbh!

Amelia starts her riding lessons this week and I am toying with the idea of learning myself. In the day obviously when the children are at school so that I wouldn't have to broadcast it.......oh, bugger, I just did that!

Also looking for a new job this week. The ideas which are going through my head are quite diverse. What to do with the rest of my life?????

On top of all this excitement I'm thinking of doing an OU course which may again force a complete change of life's direction.

What to do, what to do...............

We're off to see the Wizard........

Well I can officially start to look forward to a lovely weekend. Hayden has safely gone to Phil's complete with Father's Day card(s) and present for Sunday. Issy is in charge of the day here, and knows where to find her Daddy's cards and present. I am packed and Amelia has her 'stuff' ready too. I've checked the tickets 342 times and the train tickets and times probably double that....and yes, I am in control!

We are going at 10.15 in the morning on the train from Liskeard to Reading. All being well, my bro will be waiting at the other end to meet us. We are checking into the hotel and then going to Covent Garden for a couple of hours. I feel it will be a couple of hours in and out of shops as the weather forecast is ghastly, and not really the 'sitting outside watching the street entertainers' type of day, but we'll see. However, will be purely 'window shopping' as yet again, another fabulously non-productive day at work. Earned at whole, wait for it....£18.37this morning. Woohoooooo! So no birthday shopping for me :-(((((

Then we are off to a very nice looking Pizza/Pasta restaurant called Fire and Stone, before going to see the show at 7.30pm. Am really looking forward to it. We watched the TV show avidly, so it will be nice to see it all in action. Really looking forward to spending some quality time with Amelia too. Oh, and of course seeing my bro! x

Disgruntled of Dobwalls

Watching everyone waxing lyrical about their 'lovely', 'wonderful', 'perfect' fathers on Facebook, and changing their Profile pics to said 'lovely', 'wonderful', 'perfect' father's photos, it prompted me to change my profile picture to the most wonderful father I know, my lovely hubby. I feel so angry that I can't join in and tell everyone how wonderful my own father is. I don't deserve the parents I've got. Come to think of it, what DID I do to deserve the parents I've got?

Anyway, all that matters is that my children NEVER feel the way I feel.

Issy is in charge of the Father's Day proceedings on Sunday. we had a 'Serious Business Meeting' earlier and we hid Nick's card and pressie for Sunday and only she knows where it is. Of course, this has the potential to be really cute, or blow up spectacularly, as Amelia and I will be travelling back from London! Ah well, watch this space..................................

Lady who Lunches

Having been out for breakfast today, I have been invited out for coffee in the morning with another friend! Gone are the days when I would say "sorry, I have housework to do" or other such crappy excuses, I'm going and I'm not going to give anything else a second thought.

Life is too short to neglect friends.

Falling out with myself

Well, what can I say? Not a great start to the week. I've felt so horrible I could have fallen out with myself! Why? Who knows. I certainly don't. Could it be the after effects of the removal of the Mirena, or could it just be the stupid stress I'm putting myself under regarding work. I don't know. What I do know is that I've had the headache from hell since Monday which just won't shift no matter what I take. Again, could that be stress?

Still finding it extremely frustrating that I emailed my resignation at 5pm on Friday and as at 8.20pm on Wednesday (i.e. now) I still haven't had so much as the courtesy of an acknowledgment. Part of me thinks I'll email just to voice my disgust at the lack of reply. The other part of me wants to wait to see how long it takes for me to get a reply. It just makes me realise that I totally made the right decision to leave this highly unprofessional company. What I will miss however is the friends and support network I've made. However, hopefully with the power of the internet, and the lifelines that are Social Networking sites, I think I will be able to maintain those friendships and stay in touch.

I went for coffee this morning with a very dear friend who had some very upsetting news when she woke up. Her friend, who was only very young, but was suffering with multiple brain tumours had died last night. We talked about her feelings that she felt she had been meant to know Zoe for a reason. I told her I truly believed that, which was why I couldn't listen to the words of the song, 'For Good' from Wicked as the words are very poignant, and totally describe my relationship with Nan.

My handywork for a rainy day

Busy Little Bees

Had a lovely morning sitting creating lovely bits and bobs with Issy and Amelia. Amelia sat with me and made herself a charm bracelet, which she is very proud of, and Issy, well Issy just made.......stuff!

I made a cute litte charm bracelet with the delicate little donkey charms I'd bought, and a paid of earrings to match. At least something good came out of this depressingly dark, horrible, rainy day.

Got Mango Chicken to look forward to for tea. Yummy!

Nearly There!

It was a rainy, cold day at the paddock day, with a bit of hail thrown in for good measure! But we worked through it, and the doors on on. Nick stayed late until it was finished, bless him! Just the roof to go on now and we're done. It's looks great, and I can't believe that we built it, just the two of us. I feel real pride when I stand back and look at it.

The think being out in the cold has taken its toll on Issy today. She was really flushed and glassy eyed before bed. So gave her C & C and carried her upstairs. (That's Calpol & Cuddles for anyone wondering!)

Also found out that I'd got my job today, which sounds almost too good to be true. Will not count chickens and will wait and see what happens.

It's good to Talk

Had the most amazing catch up last night with a fabulous friend that I haven't spoken to in ages. 1 hour 27 minutes later and I think we'd more or less put the world (and our lives) to rights! It's good to know that despite having no blood family network around me, apart from my lovely bro and sis in law, that I have friends out there who are there for me no matter how long it goes in between conversations.
It means such a lot.

Just before bed I also had a chat with said sis in law, which always proves to be amusing. She wanted to know what the important decision was that I'd tweeted about. When she'd rung earlier, Nick answered the phone and had thrown her completely. She said she'd thought it was a pirate! **drifts off into dreams of living with Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow**.

Anyway, back with a jolt to reality and on with the day. Off to the paddock today to make doors. Hope the rain holds off.

OMG I've done it!

Well, that was a stange day. Group was quiet.......very quiet. Only to be expected as today is day of the Royal Cornwall Show.
 All going well until the scales decided to throw a MEGA wobbly towards the end and stop weighing!!!! AAARRRRRGGHHHHH!
Anyway, we limped through to the end of group and packed up. Yummy salad for lunch from The Crib Box in Liskeard and then home.

Lots of sleepless nights recently have given me the opportunity to think a lot......always dangerous! I've made a decision, and as long as Nick is ok with it, then I intend to action it today. Exciting stuff!
I spoke to my gorgeous friend this afternoon and put part of my idea into action. Then, as Nick walked through the door I hijacked him, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Suffice to say, the email has gone, and the rest of my life is in my hands. Watch this space...........

Work

Off to my Slimming World group this morning in Looe. The sun is shining, which is a nice change. the kids have to come with me today as they have ANOTHER teacher training day! All ready though, with all their amusements to keep them going through group. Just wonder how many will be missing because of the Royal Cornwall Show? Also, I'm not weighing in for a loss today, I'm weighing in as a marker for what will hopefully be a good weight loss next week now the Mirena is gone!

Big Inspiration

Today there was a little girl called Alice in the news and all over Twitter who has terminal Cancer and maybe only has a few weeks to live. She had prepared a 'Bucket List', and one of the items on there was to trend on Twitter. With everyone's help, she managed this. Another one of her wishes was to meet Take That, and with a few strings pulled on Twitter again by some very important people, she will be able to cross this one off her list by the weekend too. It was a really humbling story to read, and put lots of things into perpective for me.  It made me want to hug my children really tightly and never let them go.

I decided that I would go back to writing a diary, purely for the therapy side of things, but would raise the bar a little by starting a blog. We'll see how it goes.

A Good Day

Well, the day started with me actually sitting down and facing up to something I needed to do. Not pleasant, but a necessary evil. I had to reply to my father's letter. So I composed my email carefully and then read it back to ensure that it could not be imterpreted as argumentative or confrontational. When I was happy, I checked it out with Kev, who agreed with me. And so I clicked 'send'. I haven't had a reply yet. They're probably organising the Contract with the 'Hitman' right now!!!

Then there was a knock at the door and my good friend was standing there. I'd completely forgotten she was coming, so it was a lovely surprise. We shared our news over coffee and it was really good to catch up.

This afternoon was my Drs appointment to have the Mirena removed. I was dreading this, but actually it wasn't too bad. Just not looking forward to what the next few months may hold.

Found a lovely little company this afternoon called www.yourgingerbreadhouse.com which do amazing little wooden signs. This was exactly what I was looking for for the stable door, so I've ordered one!